There are spans of time where I can be quick witted and witty overall (well as witty as I imagine myself to be) and then there are spans of time where I am just a quiet observer. It is those time where I wonder why I hit those quiet points, is it related to what I may be doing personally at said time, is it related to my state of mind?


The last few times I have been out with friends, I have noticed that I have to fight my urge to just sit quietly. It is those occasions where I would much rather be active and participate in conversation. It is in those quiet spans when something does come out of my mouth, it has the same effect on the crowd and the comments made by Buzz Killington.

Perhaps I’ve hit this quiet period because I have been spending much of my free time these last few months reading…. But it only partly makes sense to me because three of the five books I have been reading have just been mindless fiction (good books though.) The other two presented me with much to think about.

It is true that I have observed that in the past my quiet times have coincided with “bouts of reading”. However this time it feels like kthe reading is only a small contributer to this frustrating time. What makes it ths more frustrating is my acute awareness of my silence. When I am out with my friends in a loud bar, my silence is the loudest thing in the room for me.

I have new theories that I believe may contribute to my silence. (this is where I begin a long uninteresting discourse, you may want to stop reading here). This whole situation may be related to fairly new developments in my life. a few months ago while I was still working for a big box store, I had met this woman who had started working there new. After meeting her I found her to be attractive but, but I had decided that Ihad no chance of being anything more than co-workers (BTW this was based on ZERO information…I know, I know, thats not the way I should live my life). I had worked with her a few time and enjoyed it thoroughly so I figured she would be fun to hang out with her outside of work. We exchanged numbers and started to hang out…alot. and honestly over that time I was hanging out with her I became smitten with her (yeah who uses that word anymore….I do). The great thing about this was that i was being my usual dumb-ass self…and damn it it worked!

School started to get a bit more involved and people needed us to work more, so we hung out less and less…..so that gave me time to think (brood if you will). That is when an old nemesis crept up and started to nip at me. I have a name for it…(not the most creative name mind you)… Insecure Censor -or- (IC) Icy for short. The censor, Icy is what is usually always there when I meet someone new be it a possible friend or romantic interest. It’s what keeps me boring. You see Icy has this skewed sense of what is right and wrong and what is appropriate or not. Icy is extremely conservative and keeps me from being myself, when confronted with new people. (mind you I have won many victories over Icy but it still has some control over me at times). Icy came into play only after I had a goos start.

The lady and I were talking less and less and we were both progressing with our own agendas in life and Icy used this opportunity to take hold and resign me to a negative inevitability. I was thinking to myself “well it was nice while it lasted.” BUT, I was scheduled to work with her one last time ( I had quit working at the big box store). I was honestly apprehensive (Icy working it’s magic). SO when I began working with her I got conflicting signals from myself and her. Her scent, her warmth and her touch gave rise to those most basic of instincts and made my head swim. And from her she was being friendly, but I was also getting touches that may be considered intimate or just friendly depending on the setting. Obviously a major blow to Icy.

More to come…..






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